Twilight Review
by Sir Egg of Breakfast
Summary: TWILIGHT HATE. Just so you know. This review is based to Twilight-haters and I didn't write this to deliberately offend Twilight fans. In which Twilight is reviewed, Jacob loses his shirt and the question is asked- why did I read this book? Rated T cause I'm paranoid.


**FREE CHOCOLATE!**

 **Okay, now I have your attention I need to warn you about these reviews. You may be a fan of the Twilight saga and these reviews will probably offend you. That is not their purpose, it's to provide entertainment for Twilight Haters. I mean no disrespect to the fans, only to Edward Cullen and** **the whiny Mary Sue, uh,** **Bella Swan. So please don't read if you like the series. Oh, and I wrote this review and the one for New Moon for a review competition a few months ago and then debated about posting them for a few weeks, then exams started and eventually the summer holidays started and now I'm back revising for a new set of exams and I forgot about them until now. Oops. But I did decide to post them in the end.**

 **DISCLAIMER I own none of the book series mentioned in these reviews.**

A while ago I came across a book called Twilight. Lots of people have mixed views on this book. There were people who said things like Team Edward –the sparkly one- or Team Jacob –the furry one. And then there were people who wrote incredibly long rants about how much they hated this book and everyone in it.

So, naturally, I read it for this review. I found a copy of this book in my garden shed, having bought it long ago and dumped it there.

How I wish I'd left it there.

It was bad. Terrible, in fact. The love triangle was basically this girl called Bella Swan –Beautiful swan a name she can't live up to, unless she turns out to be a swan. Now that would be a plot twist!- has to choose between a sparkly vampire who likes to watch her sleep and break her truck so she can't see the werewolf bloke –but we don't find this out until book two, or if you`re like me you looked the series up on Wikipedia before you read it- Jacob, who is the third corner of this love triangle. She has to choose between a sparkly vampire or a furry werewolf who seems to have lost his shirt -judging by the film covers- And there are three main things that happen in this book:

Number One: Bella compares Edward to a rock about a million times and whines and whines some more about how horrible it is having to choose between two incredibly hawt guys.

Number Two: Edward tells Bella he looooves her thiiiiiis much. Four hundred and fifty nine pages of this…

Number Three: NOTHING HAPPENS FOR FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY PAGES. I`m not joking. I looove you Bella. No, I loooooove you more Edward even though you watch me sleep, but that's not weird at all. I was practically crying for my usual read. Heck, I'd have preferred cumulative frequency to this _literature_.

Enough of my rant.

Twilight begins with Bella Swan flying by plane to Forks, Washington to live with Charlie, who is her dad. The reader is never quite sure why she leaves. Was this a bad attempt at a mystery by Stephanie Meyer? Is Bella just so lazy she won't explain? Or is she already thinking about all the hot boys that look suspiciously like Robert Patterson that she will meet in Forks? We may never know. But one thing we do know is how much of a sacrifice this is for her. She is giving her mum and stepdad space so he can go on a football tour or some idiotic explanation. If it's one thing I hate its authors being lazy and skipping over stuff like this and assuming the readers won't notice.

Bella is on the plane flying to Forks. It is, naturally, raining when she gets there –Pathetic Fallacy, anyone?- which makes Bella moan in anguish. Probably because her hair will get wet. Should`ve brought an umbrella, Bella. Anyway, she moves in with Charlie. Charlie is a police officer, or cop as they say in America, and is my favourite character because he is loving to her, in an awkward dad style which warms my critical heart. Bella doesn't notice for a lot of the book though, too busy with Edward.

Bella starts at High School where, for some inexplicable reason, everybody loves her. She is quiet and shy and yet makes tones of friends and is essentially one of the most popular girls at her school.

WHY?

I`m sorry, but if this were true I would be one of the most popular people on this planet. Don't get me wrong, I`m not an introvert, but I'm not incredibly loud, either. And it seems to me if Bella hates this so much –as she whines to the reader she does- she would have quietly asked a teacher or a friend for this to stop as she didn't like the attention.

Soon after this is where Edward Cullen comes in. Or as I personally think of him, Mr. Glitter. Bella is drawn to him because he doesn't like her. Never mind her million fans what about him? How dare he not like her! He is also, apparently, sexy and is compared to being inhumanly beautiful many, many, many times. He sits away from Bella as far as he can on the table –For god's sake, grow up Edward, how old are you, three?- and even attempts to have his schedule changed so he can avoid her. Bella is confused and upset by this, and I can sympathise a little, tiny bit with that, but personally I think she needs to grow up, too. So one person hates her? That's life, Bella. Get over yourself.

So one day Bella is in the car park whining. Again. Then this bloke called Taylor Crowley is about to run her over with a truck. Will she come back as a ghost and the twist is that Edward can see these ghosts and that's why he was acting so strange around her because he knew she would die? Or do I have an over active imagination? Anyway this doesn't happen, and Edward comes to save Bella as she is nearly crushed and his huge strength leaves a dent in the car as he saves her. Bet he didn't repair that for Taylor.

I`ll spare you the pain of a few more pages and now the third corner of the love triangle –Jacob Black, no relation to Sirius Black- is telling her stories about the Cullen's. Well that's what he calls it, I call it spreading gossip. Long story short, Bella finds out he is a VAMPIRE! Dramatic music! He goes all Hulk in his explanation- as if you could OUT RUN ME! As if you could FIGHT ME OFF! Etc. Then he mentions he sparkles. I burst out in slightly hysterical laughter here. Edward then tells Bella he wants to drink her blood because it drives him mad with lust. Right, now if Meyer had played her cards right this could`ve gone somewhere. When you create a plot twist you don't just FORGET AND NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN LIKE SHE DID. Then about fifty more pages of high school, kissing, I love you`s…

…and then –plot twist number three or four- a evil vampire named James decides he wants to drink Bella`s blood. Finally! A bit of Dracula. But wait… Magical Eddy is here to save Bella from the nasty vampire with his sparkles. But, oh, what's this? James tricks Bella into meeting him by pretending to be her mum, and Bella believes him and doesn't call the police like any other human being would.

Idiot. She almost deserves to get her blood drunk by Mr. Sparkles- Oh, sorry, James.

But once again Edward and his family –I don't know if I mentioned, he lives with a couple of other vampires who are all gorgeous like he is and have superpowers. One of them called Rosaline hates Bella. Wise vampire. They live in a mansion and never wear the same clothes twice and have been alive for a while and like to continually go back to High School instead of, say, finding a cure for cancer with their immortality and millions of pounds they have collected along the way. Now do you see why I hate this book? So they swoop in at the last minute and save Bella from having her blood drunk by James. OH NO! James just bit her. Too late Eddy. Bella collapses. (Forgive me if at this dramatic point I may have been yelling YES! SOMETHING FINALLY HAPPENED!)

Edward, of course, heroically saves her. He sucks the venom out like a leech or a cat lapping up milk. It was actually quite disturbing to read. Yay, she's saved. She lives to whinge another day. Then Emmet and Jasper –two of Edwards's brothers- violently rip James to shreds, something nobody is bothered about. Sure, he was irritating and tried to kill Bella but nobody cared he died a painful death? That's kinda cold. Bella is sent to a hospital in Phoenix, and the Cullen's come up with the lame excuse she fell down two flights of stairs and crashed through a window (Even I wouldn't believe that one…)

Bella goes to the High school prom where everyone STILL loves her. Then she says she wants to be a Vampire, because who wouldn't want to be immortal and glittery? Bella didn't quite think this through.

Edward says no, though, perhaps the only thing I respect him for, not wanting to spread the curse of immortality.

To conclude, Meyer –the author- has most definitely put half a generation off classics like Dracula for fear the vampires could sparkle. And the other half of this generation will want their very own hot sparkly vampire boyfriend to watch them while they sleep. How romantic. She has also put me off any book with the words, sparkle, vampire, Cullen and Swan in it forever.

I really hate Twilight.


End file.
